Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood

There are loads of groups and pages that I follow on Facebook, but my favourite is Berlin Artparasites – I literally share at least one of the posts from the page daily.

Last night I read a post that was submitted anonymously. While reading it, it was as if all the feelings I am unable express had been put into words – by a complete stranger. I read it over and over again – How amazing it is to think that there is someone out there who understands me, and how I feel.  It was awesome to feel understood, even if I will never know the author of these words – I know I am not alone.

I am re-posting, and omitting a paragraph, but you can see the original post here.

Painting by Chloe Early via Berlin Art Parasites 

“There’s only one thing worse than wanting someone, and that’s needing someone. It’s when you batter and bruise and break yourself just so that you can mould yourself into being theirs. All the while tricking yourself into believing that it’s still good and wholesome and for the best, because this is what you WANT. Compromise is good and healthy, but too much compromise and you end up betraying yourself just so you can have them. And the most painful part is knowing that a few months ago, when you first met them, when everything was unblemished and naturally perfect, there was no concealing the bad. There was no bad. No one had hurt the other. The question is, how many times do you forgive under the name of love?

If I saw another person in my shoes, I’d tell them to walk away, to respect themselves, to make their mother proud. But perhaps I wouldn't know the full story if I was an outsider looking in. An outsider wouldn't know how painfully and impossibly in love with you I am. An outsider wouldn't know that I find it impossible to let go of any good that’s ever happened in my life, impossible to end chapters in my life. And if the chapters are ended forcefully, I’ll torture my mind by living through every single happy moment again and again and again and again.

I like being yours. Although even there I am doubtful. I feel inadequate, which I hate. It leads me to think I've changed. I would have spat in the face of anyone who felt inferior in some way to another person, told them they were a miracle just for being them, and if no one liked the look of them then they just shouldn't look. Because I know we are all superb creatures.

So why do I feel constantly…lacking? Not interesting enough, not clever enough, no way NEAR beautiful enough for you, blah blah blah. It makes me angry. How can my mind possibly be so conflicted? I know that exterior beauty is a sham endorsed by capitalism and advocated by stupid people. But I also hate myself. It hurts, feels as though my brain might tear in half. I love you. I want you. I want to be yours. But I resent that. No one should want that after what you put me through. After hearing what you said. I’m scared. Scared of just how much I’m willing to sacrifice to be with you, would I know when to stop? And most of all I’m scared that if you ever saw this you’d leave me, again. I can’t do it, when you leave me. I’m ashamed of that fact. But when you leave me, I die.”

I hope you have a Happy Weekend friends!

xx

Monday Musing

Pinterest , from Sara Winfield Art

Pinterest

I recently listened to Brene Brown's TED talk - The Power of Vulnerability. In her talk she speaks about vulnerability and how it is necessary in order to be fully connected. 

Being vulnerable is not comfortable, but it is necessary in order to truly live. Even though vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and the struggle for worthiness, it is also the birth place of joy, creativity, belonging and love. 

We have a tendency to try and numb vulnerability - But the problem with this is that one cannot selectively numb emotions. When we try and numb negative emotions, we end up numbing positive emotions too. You can therefore never enjoy positive emotions unless you embrace the negative ones too.

Believe that you are enough!

xxx

Reflection

I have spent some time reflecting on last year – a very difficult year - and trying to see the light in every situation. I believe that everything happens as it should, but I must admit that a lot of the time I still battle to understand why.

I was retrenched for the third time – but have thankfully found a great new job, at a stable company, where I work with some really lovely people.

My mom was also retrenched from her job this year – and at her age, finding another job is really difficult. She has been keeping herself busy, and recently a small, independent job prospect has come to light - working with animals – something she is so passionate about. I really hope that everything works out for her. She is such a special lady, with the most beautiful heart.

My gran, who has always been so healthy and independent, had a minor operation, and ended up contracting a viral infection which has really affected her overall health – But despite the deterioration in her health and strength, and in turn the loss of her independence, she is so positive – and remains such an inspiration.

Cancer, such a cruel disease, took the lives of four special people – one of whom was Josh’s father. I don’t know how, but Josh has been so strong.

I had a health scare, which thankfully was caught early, so I was able to undergo a relatively small procedure to sort it out. The next step is a follow up in March – until then I am staying positive that the results will be good.

As 2014 came to an end, I found myself, as with every other year I can remember, hoping that the next year would be better. Unfortunately, I find myself in an incredibly sad situation. My heart is is shattered and I feel as if I am being suffocated by sadness. But I am once again reminded of the amazing resilience of the heart.

So much happened last year, but despite it all, I was still able to smile - I had some awesome times, and laughed often, and I know the same will be true for this year.

xxx

Monday Musing

Morning Sex & Lattes

"I believe that we are put here in human form to decipher the hieroglyphs of love and suffering. And, there is no degree of love or intensity of feeling that does not bring with it the possibility of a crippling hurt. But, it is a duty to take that risk and love without reserve or defense."

- Allen Ginsberg 

xxx

Love Hurts

I believe love is the most important of all virtues.

Image Little Bits & Blogs

I watched a few TED talks on the subject, one by Yann Dall’Aglio called “Love – You’re doing it wrong”, and another by Helen Fisher called “The Brain in Love”.
In her talk, Helen Fisher quoted the below poem, which really spoke to me.

Fire runs through my body with the pain of loving you

Pain runs through my body with the fires of my love for you

Sickness wanders my body with my love for you

Pain like a boil about to burst with my love for you

Consumed by the fire with my love for you

I remember what you said to me

I am thinking of your love for me

I am torn by your love for me

Pain and more pain

Where are you going with my love?

I am told you will go from here

I am told you will leave me here

My body is numb with grief

Remember what I have said, my love

Good bye, my love, good bye

Love is a truly beautiful thing, but it can be so painful too – Not only when love is lost.

I think, for me, the pain comes in because I love so deeply. It is all consuming – It is scary – It is hard to believe that another person could requite this kind of love. 

xxx

Monday Musing...

For the most part I believe it is a burden feeling everything so deeply. For a long while I prayed to feel less - It is draining. I suppose it is because I focussed on the deep sadness I felt, but never on the great happiness. I am trying to come to terms with the way I feel everything so deeply, as much as the intense sadness is a curse, it really is beautiful to be able to feel such immense happiness, delighting in even the smallest things...

 



 

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”    
- Jim Morrison

 

I hope you have a lovely week friends - embrace your feelings.

xx