There are loads of groups and pages that I follow on
Facebook, but my favourite is Berlin Artparasites – I literally share at least
one of the posts from the page daily.
Last night I read a post that was submitted anonymously.
While reading it, it was as if all the feelings I am unable express had been put into words – by a complete stranger. I read it over and over again
– How amazing it is to think that there is someone out there who understands me, and how I feel. It was awesome to feel understood, even if I
will never know the author of these words – I know I am not alone.
I am re-posting, and omitting a paragraph, but you can see
the original post here.
Painting by Chloe Early via Berlin Art Parasites
“There’s only one
thing worse than wanting someone, and that’s needing someone. It’s when you
batter and bruise and break yourself just so that you can mould yourself into
being theirs. All the while tricking yourself into believing that it’s still
good and wholesome and for the best, because this is what you WANT. Compromise
is good and healthy, but too much compromise and you end up betraying yourself
just so you can have them. And the most painful part is knowing that a few
months ago, when you first met them, when everything was unblemished and
naturally perfect, there was no concealing the bad. There was no bad. No one
had hurt the other. The question is, how many times do you forgive under the
name of love?
If I saw another person in my shoes, I’d tell them to
walk away, to respect themselves, to make their mother proud. But perhaps I wouldn't know the full story if I was an outsider looking in. An outsider wouldn't know how painfully and impossibly in love with you I am. An outsider wouldn't know that I find it impossible to let go of any good that’s ever
happened in my life, impossible to end chapters in my life. And if the chapters
are ended forcefully, I’ll torture my mind by living through every single happy
moment again and again and again and again.
I like being yours. Although even there I am doubtful.
I feel inadequate, which I hate. It leads me to think I've changed. I would
have spat in the face of anyone who felt inferior in some way to another person, told them they were a miracle just for being them, and if no one liked
the look of them then they just shouldn't look. Because I know we are all
superb creatures.
So why do I feel constantly…lacking? Not interesting
enough, not clever enough, no way NEAR beautiful enough for you, blah blah
blah. It makes me angry. How can my mind possibly be so conflicted? I know that
exterior beauty is a sham endorsed by capitalism and advocated by stupid
people. But I also hate myself. It hurts, feels as though my brain might tear
in half. I love you. I want you. I want to be yours. But I resent that. No one
should want that after what you put me through. After hearing what you said.
I’m scared. Scared of just how much I’m willing to sacrifice to be with you,
would I know when to stop? And most of all I’m scared that if you ever saw this
you’d leave me, again. I can’t do it, when you leave me. I’m ashamed of that
fact. But when you leave me, I die.”
I hope you have a Happy Weekend friends!
xx
