Those
of you who know me, know I am a spiritual person; however, I avoid bombarding irreligious
people with my beliefs, and try rather to shine
as a light…The below article comes from Relevant Magazine (a Christian
magazine), which, ironically, was indirectly sent to me by a very good friend
of mine who is agnostic.
I really
feel that the article is filled with some excellent points, that could be beneficial
to both my religious and irreligious readers, and I have therefore decided to
post it despite the religious references – If you are not Christian, feel free
to skip over any references to God/church/faith/spirituality, replace tithes
with charity, and omit point 7 & 8 entirely… Alternatively stop reading
now.
What to Know at
25(ish)
11 Proven Ways to Avoid a Quarter-Life Crisis
Shauna Niequist – Relevant Magazine
When
you’re 25-ish, you’re old enough to know what kind of music you love,
regardless of what your last boyfriend or roommate always used to play. You
know how to walk in heels, how to tie a necktie, how to give a good toast at a
wedding and how to make something for dinner. You don’t have to think much
about skin care, home ownership or your retirement plan. Your life can look a
lot of different ways when you’re 25: single, dating, engaged, married. You are
working in dream jobs, pay-the-bills jobs and downright horrible jobs. You are
young enough to believe that anything is possible, and you are old enough to
make that belief a reality.
01 YOU HAVE TIME TO FIND A JOB YOU LOVE
Now is
the time to figure out what kind of work you love to do. What are you good at?
What makes you feel alive? What do you dream about? You can go back to school
now, switch directions entirely. You can work for almost nothing, or live in
another country or volunteer long hours for something that moves you. There
will be a time when finances and schedules make this a little trickier, so do
it now. Try it, apply for it, get up and do it.
When I
was 25, I was in my third job in as many years—all in the same area at a
church, but the responsibilities were different each time. I was frustrated at
the end of the third year because I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do
next. I didn’t feel like I’d found my place yet. I met with my boss, who was in
his 50s. I told him how anxious I was about finding the one perfect job for me,
and quick. He asked me how old I was, and when I told him I was 25, he told me
I couldn’t complain to him about finding the right job until I was 32. In his
opinion, it takes about 10 years after college to find the right fit, and
anyone who finds it earlier than that is just plain lucky. So use every bit of
your 10 years: try things, take classes, start over.
02 GET OUT OF DEBT AND STAY OUT OF DEBT
Part of
being a healthy, mature adult is learning to live within your means all the
time, even if that means going without things you think you need, or doing work
you don’t love for a while to be responsible financially. The ability to adjust
your spending according to your income is a skill that will serve you your
whole life.
There
will be times when you have more money than you need. In those seasons, tithe
as always, save like crazy, and then let yourself buy fancy shampoo or an iPad
or whatever it is you really get a kick out of. When the money’s not rolling
in, buy your shampoo from the grocery store and eat eggs instead of steak—a
much cheaper way to get protein. If you can get the hang of living within your
means all the time—always tithing, never going into debt—you’ll be ahead of the
game when life surprises you with bad financial news.
I know
a lot of people who have bright, passionate dreams but who can’t give their
lives to those dreams because of the debt they carry. Don’t miss out on a great
adventure God calls you to because you’ve been careless about debt.
03 DON’T RUSH DATING AND MARRIAGE
Now is
also the time to get serious about relationships. And “serious” might mean
walking away from a dating relationship that’s good but not great. Some of the
most life-shaping decisions you’ll make during this time will be about walking
away from good- enough, in search of can’t-live-without. One of the only truly
devastating mistakes you can make in this season is staying with the wrong
person even though you know he or she is the wrong person. It’s not fair to
that person, and it’s not fair to you.
“Who
are you dating?” “Do you think he’s the one?” “Have you looked at rings?” It’s
easy to be seduced by the romance- dating-marriage narrative. We confer a lot
of status and respect on people who are getting married—we buy them presents
and consider them as more adult and more responsible.
But
there’s nothing inherently more responsible or more admirable about being
married. I’m thankful to be celebrating my 10th wedding anniversary this
summer, but at the same time, I have a fair amount of friends whose marriages
are ending—friends whose weddings we danced at, whose wedding cake we ate,
whose rings we oohed-and-aahed over but that have been taken off fingers a long
time ago.
Some
people view marriage as the next step to happiness or grown-up life or some
kind of legitimacy, and in their mad desire to be married, they overlook
significant issues in the relationship.
Ask
your friends, family members and mentors what they think of the person you’re
dating and your relationship. Go through premarital counseling before you are
engaged, because, really, engagement is largely about wedding planning, and
it’s tough to see the flaws in a relationship clearly when you’re wearing a
diamond and you have a deposit on an event space.
I’m
kind of a broken record on this. My younger friends will tell you I say the
same things over and over when they talk to me about love, things like, “He
seems great— what’s the rush?” and, “Yes, I like her—give it a year.” And they’ve
heard this one a million times: “Time is on your side.” Really, it is.
04 GIVE YOUR BEST TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY
While
twentysomethings can sometimes spend a little too much energy on dating and
marriage, they probably spend too little energy on friendships and family. That
girl you just met and now text 76 times a day probably won’t be a part of your
life in 10 years, but the guys you lived with in college, if you keep investing
in them, will be friends for a lifetime. Lots of people move around in their
20s, but even across the distance, make an effort to invest in the friendships
that are important to you. Loyalty is no small thing, especially in a season
during which so many other things are shifting.
Family
is a tricky thing in your 20s—to learn how to be an adult out on your own but
to also maintain a healthy relationship with your parents—but those
relationships are really, really worth investing in. I have a new vantage point
on this now that I’m a parent. When my parents momentarily forget I’m an adult,
I remind myself that someday this little boy of ours will drive a car, get a
job and buy a home. I know that even then it will be hard not to scrape his
hair across his forehead or tell him his eyes are looking sleepy, and I give my
parents a break for still seeing me as their little girl every once in a while.
05 GET SOME COUNSELING
Twenty-five
is also a great time to get into counseling if you haven’t already, or begin
round two of counseling if it’s been a while. You might have just enough space
from your parents to start digging around your childhood a little bit. Unravel
the knots that keep you from living a healthy, whole life, and do it now,
before any more time passes.
Some
people believe emotional and psychological issues should be solved through
traditional spiritual means—that prayer and pastoral guidance are all that’s
necessary when facing issues of mental health. I disagree. We generally trust
medical doctors to help us heal from physical ailments. We can and should trust
counselors and therapists to help us resolve emotional and psychological
issues. Many pastors have no training in counseling, and while they care deeply
about what you’re facing, sometimes the best gift they can give you is a
referral to a therapist who does have the education to help you.
Faith
and counseling aren’t at odds with one another. Spiritual growth and emotional
health are both part of God’s desire for us. Counseling—like time with a
mentor, personal scriptural study, a small group experience and outside
reading—can help you grow, and can help you connect more deeply with God.
So let
your pastor do his or her thing, and let the person who has an advanced degree
in mental health help you with yours.
06 SEEK OUT A MENTOR
One of
the most valuable relationships you can cultivate in your 20s is a mentoring
relationship with someone who’s a little older, a little wiser, someone who can
be a listening ear and sounding board during a high change season. When I look
back on my life from 22 to 26, some of the most significant growth occurred as
a direct result of the time I spent with my mentor, Nancy.
The
best way to find a mentor is to ask, and then to work with the parameters they
give you. If someone does agree to meet with you, let it be on their terms.
Nancy and I met on Wednesdays at 7 in the morning. I guarantee that was not my
preference. But it was what worked for her life, so once a month I dragged
myself out of the house in what felt to me like the dead of night. It also
helps to keep it to a limited-time period. It’s a lot to ask of someone to meet
once a month until the end of time. But a one-year commitment feels pretty
manageable for most people, and you can both decide to sign on for another year
or not, depending on the connection you’ve made.
07 BE A PART OF A CHURCH
Twenty-five
is the perfect time to get involved in a church you love, no matter how
different it is from the one you were a part of growing up. Be patient and
prayerful, and decide that you’re going to be a person
who grows, who seeks your own faith, who lives with intention. Set your alarm
on Sunday mornings, no matter how late you were out on Saturday night. It will
be dreadful at first, and then after a few weeks, you’ll find that you like it,
that the pattern of it fills up something inside you.
08 FIND A RHYTHM FOR SPIRITUAL DISCIPLINES
Going
out into “the real world” after high school or college affects more than just
your professional life. Where once you had free time, a flexible schedule and
built-in community, now you have one hour for lunch, 10 days max to “skip” work
and co-workers who are all over the place in age, stage of life and religion.
In
those first few years of work-life, it’s easy to get too busy, too stressed and
too disconnected to keep up spiritual habits you may have built in school.
Figuring out how to stay close to God and to grow that relationship through
activities and disciplines that complement your new schedule is critical for
life now—and those habits will serve you for years to come.
One of
the best routines I adopted in my 20s was a monthly solitude day. In addition
to my daily prayer time, I found I lived better if once a month I took the time
to pray, read, rest and write, to ask myself about the choices I’d made in the
past month and to ask for God’s guidance in the month to come. Some of the most
important decisions I made in that season of life became clear as a result of
that monthly commitment.
09 VOLUNTEER
Give of
your time and energy to make the world better in a way that doesn’t benefit you
directly. Teach Sunday school, build houses with Habitat for Humanity, serve at
a food pantry or clean up beaches on Saturdays.
It’s
easy to get caught up in your own big life and big plan in your 20s—you’re
building a career, building an identity, building for a future. Find some place
in your life where you’re building for a purpose that’s bigger than your own
life or plan.
When
you’re serving on behalf of a cause you’re passionate about, you’ll also
connect in a deep way with the people you’re serving with, and those
connections can yield some of your most significant friendships.
When
you serve as a volunteer, you can gain experience for future careers. Instead
of, for example, quitting your banking job to pursue full-time ministry,
volunteer to lead a small group, and see where it goes from there. Use
volunteer experiences to learn about causes and fields you’re interested in,
and consider using your vacation time to serve globally.
10 FEED YOURSELF AND THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE
If you
can master these things, you’re off to a really great start: eggs, soup, a
fantastic sandwich or burger, guacamole and some killer cookies. A few hints:
The secret to great eggs is really low heat, and the trick to guacamole is lime
juice—loads of it. Almost every soup starts the same way: onion, garlic,
carrot, celery, stock.
People
used to know how to make this list and more, but for all sorts of reasons,
sometime in the last 60 or so years, convenience became more important than
cooking and people began resorting to fake food (ever had GU?), fast food and
frozen food. I literally had to call my mom from my first apartment because I
didn’t know if you baked a potato for five minutes or two hours.
The act
of feeding oneself is a skill every person can benefit from, and some of the
most sacred moments in life happen when we gather around the table. The time we
spend around the table, sharing meals and sharing stories, is significant,
transforming time.
Learn
to cook. Invite new and old friends to dinner. Practice hospitality and
generosity. No one cares if they have to sit on lawn furniture, bring their own
forks or drink out of a Mayor McCheese glass from 1982. What people want is to
be heard and fed and nourished, physically and otherwise—to stop for just a
little bit and have someone look them in the eye and listen to their stories
and dreams. Make time for the table, and you’ll find it to be more than worth
it every time.
11 DON’T GET STUCK
This is
the thing: When you hit 28 or 30, everything begins to divide. You can see very
clearly two kinds of people. On one side, people who have used their 20s to
learn and grow, to find God and themselves and their dreams, people who know
what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live
adults. Then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high
school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because
they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are
good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. They mean to find a
church, they mean to develop intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking
like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live
in an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than when they graduated.
Don’t
be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There
is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither.
This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t
lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go
out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal.
Ask
yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What
have I tried this month? What have I learned about God this year? What parts of
my childhood faith am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep?
Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is
there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”
Now is
your time. Walk closely with people you love, and with people who believe God
is good and life is a grand adventure. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t
try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned.
Give
today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling
honestly along life’s path.
